Twenty Rules for Life

Your attentions are inherently offensive to others.

They are not talking about you, not ever.

Remember to major in something fun, because it is impossible to major in anything useful.

Never make phone calls, because you might have to leave a message on an answering machine that doesn't let you try again until you don't sound like a stuttering idiot.

Inability to work up courage is your brain's way of telling you don't really want to do it.

Decide up front whether you'd rather be invisible or humiliated, so you know what to expect.

The danger of setting low expectations for yourself is that you feel even more pathetic when you fail to meet them.

Being smart creates more problems than it solves.

Look forward to growing old, because when you become senile you will finally be able to forget all those painful memories you wish you could forget but can't.

Job satisfaction is for the rich.

Someday you will meet someone, and you will just know, and you will be wrong.

That bitterness you feel is justified.

Being able to articulate what the problem is won't make it go away.

It feels good to be needed; it's a good idea to have a few really needy friends.

Somewhere out there is a planet where Playstation is a marketable skill; your task is to find this planet.

There is no memory so good that it cannot be poisoned by later events.

Don't get uppity.

Just because you can't live up to your principles doesn't make them bad ones.

Really good friends will lie to you if they think it will make you feel better.

Your computer does not love you back.


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